Awkward Silences and Hopeful Promises
by Robotic Fox
Summary: That night would haunt the both of them forever. After all, you don't just recover from the sight of seeing your best friend trying to kill himself, do you? T plus. Friendship!Fic ... yaoi if you squint. TsukiRoppi.


_**Trigger Warning**_ : Suicide Attempt

**_Disclaimer_ **: I do not, nor will I ever, own Durarara! or any of its amazing characters.

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It was a quiet, cold winter night in the city of Ikeburoko. People wrapped up in heavy coats and scarves quickly moved along the city, trying to seek warmth in nearby shops and buildings. The ivory white snow lying on ground would've been pretty to people if they had taken the time to admire it, but everyone was too lost to take notice of it and only regarded it with rushed distaste.

The night sky held no stars and the moon was shrouded with dark black clouds. The air was bitter and cold out, but thankfully for the residents enduring the temperature, there was no wind whipping around in their face. Store and building lights were on, giving dim and humble light on the dark streets below.

It was also unusually quiet for the city. Shizuo Heiwajima and Izaya Orihara weren't going at it for once, so that added a certain air of peace and quiet for the citizens. The cars buzzing through seemed more quiet than usual and the babble of citizens was almost mute. At least, to those passing along.

Hachimenroppi and Tsukishima were among the citizens walking along the sides of the city, the two of them walking next to each other in complete silence. Neither uttered a single word to each other. Neither member of the party even glancing at one another.

The silence was not a strange occurrence. Tsuki and Roppi always had a couple of silent moments and walks with one another, even despite Tsuki's talkative nature. But this silence was different. It wasn't a comfortable silence, nor was it a companionable one. This silence was not cold or bitter either. The only emotion this silence carried was awkwardness.

Roppi stared intently at the grey, wet concrete beneath his feet intently, not wanting to make any kind of eye contact with the blonde. He was desperate for a distraction of some sort to deviate his mind away from the awkwardness of being near the blonde. Just something to distract him from the suffocating and uncomfortable silence between them.

He noted that his breath visible in the cold night air, turning into a wispy bit of steam before disappearing from his eyes. He remembered when he'd been younger, he'd used to pretend that he was a dragon and that he could breathe out fire.

He gripped the warm Styrofoam cup of coffee he had in his hands a little tighter, leeching off of its warmth greedily. He lifted the cup up and took another pleasurable sip out of the cup, enjoying the sensation of the hot liquid sliding down his throat and warming his whole being from head to toe, if only for a moment. He absolutely despised the cold. He absolutely despised feeling cold.

People would always question him as to why he was constantly toting around his rather heavy, fur trimmed coat around. It was because he always felt cold, even on the hottest days and he had found the trusty thing handy. Just at the thought of his cold, he used one hand to tighten it around his body, if only to preserve a little bit of body heat.

He wanted to give a scathing remark about the cold so Tsuki could comment back, but the silence made him stubborn about doing it. He didn't know why he was being so against talking to the only person he considered a friend, even despite the events that had unfolded that night. Finally mustering up the courage to throw Tsuki a quick glance in his peripheral, he could see the blonde was uncomfortable as well.

Normally, even during silences like this, Tsuki would always be doing something… Tsuki-like. Humming would occasionally escape Tsuki's lips which would usually be the icebreaker to these silences. Tsuki also had a bad habit to chew on the frayed edges of his scarf that Roppi would constantly scold him on. He even had the tendency to grab onto Roppi's hand and pull him along, acting like nothing was wrong. Roppi would always blush and scold Tsuki on this one, but Tsuki would usually ignore him.

But now, the blonde was just staring at random bits of scenery as they passed. He would focus his gaze on some outfits being displayed in the window or on a flickering lamppost, or even on some random city buildings. Anywhere other than where Roppi was.

Roppi wondered if he wanted this silence to end as much as he did. Probably. At least, that's what he hoped anyhow.

He knew the cause of the disturbing silence. He knew what had set it off. But he didn't want to talk about it. He didn't even want to reference it. It was supposed to be in the past. Forgotten. It wasn't the first time something like this had happened.

He didn't even know why Tsuki had felt the need to call him up to meet up if he was just going to be like this. Roppi wasn't even sure why he had agreed to come. Maybe the both of them thought they could patch things up from last night by walking next to each other like this. Like the old natural air they used to hold would rekindle and the memories of last night would just fade to dust, just like that.

Unfortunately, it wasn't that easy.

Suddenly, anger rushed through Hachimenroppi's body, making him feel icy inside. If Tsuki was still bothered about last night, why didn't he just mention it? Why was he just circling around the problem like a cat would circle around its prey? Why didn't he just bring it up?

His anger involuntarily made him quicken his pace, setting a good distance away from the tall blonde. Soon, what had turned into an involuntary action became more purposeful as he broke out into a full-out sprint, dropping his coffee to the ground with a splash as he ran, the raven desperate to get away. He could run to his shoddy apartment from here. He was sure of it.

He had always considered himself a polar opposite from Izaya Orihara, despite being cursed with similar features as the infamous information broker. Orihara loved the human race, Roppi despised every member of this filthy species (excluding Tsuki). Orihara despised any food item that was sweet, Roppi had a problem with his sweet tooth (his coffee had had a bunch of milk and five cubes of sugar). Orihara was a despicable, manipulative little parasite that couldn't keep his nose out of anyone's business. Roppi preferred that everyone keep their problems and secrets to themselves. But despite all their differences, their was one thing Roppi and Izaya had very similar to one another. They were incredibly fast.

When they attended in Raira Academy, gym class, if Izaya didn't have a bone to pick with Shizuo at least, would always challenge Roppi to a round of racing around the track. To be fair, Izaya mostly won all of them, but Roppi always seemed to make a close second.

Now, he was going to put these skills to his advantage. He was going to run away so fast that Tsukishima would never keep up, especially with his natural clumsiness. He would run to his apartment in Ikebukuro and then slam the door, lock it, and just end this miserable night. He could go curl up into his uncomfortable couch and mindlessly watch some TV shows on his shitty television set before finally sleep took hold and he could forget about this worthless excuse for a night.

"R-Roppi-san!" he heard Tsuki cry behind him, but he didn't slow. Why did the blonde even invite him in the first place to go on a walk if he was going to act like this? Why did he even agree to go?!

Tsuki's cries were starting to become louder now. Roppi just kept running, trying to move along. He thanked Kami he had long legs, making his trek easier as he moved along, bumping against people and any obstacles in his way, ignoring any protest or shout he heard behind him from less-than-appreciative people. He could get through this. He could, he could.

Roppi weaved his way around a few more paces before making a quick left turn down a narrow passageway which lead to a shortcut towards his apartment. The narrow strip wasn't his favorite place to go, as it usually had something in it that would get in his way… cats, other pedestrians, cars, those sort of things. But right now, he wasn't worried about any of those things… he could move past those easily… he expected all of them anyway… what could go wrong?

What he hadn't been expecting was a cyclist.

He hadn't expected the cyclist to be nearly in front of him the moment he cut the corner. The rider of the bike let out an alarmed cry as he swerved to try and avoid Roppi. Roppi, out of pure instinct, leapt towards the nearest escape he could find to avoid being hit, which happened to be the opening to an alleyway. Luckily for him, he managed to narrowly avoid being struck by the cyclist and his bike, landing on his stomach in a cold puddle of melted snow and mud with a heavy thud.

A sharp pain shot up his rib at the initial impact, causing Roppi to groan. His hand was scraped up where the dirty cement and gravel had rubbed to hard against his skin, blood seeping out of the openings. It was okay though. Roppi could handle it… he was used to a little bit of pain now and again. Especially, when it came to situations like this.

Cursing, Roppi pushed himself off the ground and went to turn tail and run again, when suddenly, an all-too-familiar figure cut the corner into the alleyway. Tsuki. Panic instantly surged through him as he looked desperately behind him… to see if there was any means of escape… but all that filled his peripheral vision was a dark, dirty, solid brick wall that blocked off any means of escape. Shit…

Suddenly, a foreign weight slammed into Roppi's chest, knocking him off of his feet in an instant. Confusion immediately set in as he felt his head smack against the ground, pain ricocheting across his head and back as he was getting pinned to the ground by his attacker.

Instinct set in and Roppi immediately tried to fight back. He was a lot stronger than people gave him credit for. While not the strongest kid in school, he certainly packed a punch that several schoolyard bullies looking for and easy fight had not expected out of a kid like him. Typical human nature, he'd always thought. Always letting the appearance of another person rule out all other judgment.

Kicking and punching and flailing, Roppi mercilessly attacked his foe on the back and chest, but his attacker proved to be much stronger than he expected. With only one hand, the man had managed to grab both of his wrists and pin his arms above his head, not allowing them to move at all. Roppi felt his legs being straddled together as the man quickly put his free hand on Roppi's stomach, causing Roppi to nearly have a panic attack of fear.

Looking up to see who had him downed, red eyes widened with surprise as he recognized Tsuki's bespectacled gaze staring back down at him, tears streaming down the blonde's face. Surprise and momentary confusion set him… he hadn't expected Tsuki to be the tackling type. Well, well… you learned something everyday, don't you?

"Tsuki…" Roppi hissed slightly, not liking the situation nor position he was in. Anger filled his person as he glared back hatefully at Tsuki and hissed dangerously, "Tsuki… you better let me go. Now."

Tsuki was silent for a moment, tears continuing to streak his cheeks, before Tsuki shakily forced out through gritted teeth, "O-only if … if y-you promise not to run…I.. I wanna talk to you, Roppi-san."

Roppi went silent at that for a little, his crimson eyes glaring daggers at the blonde. He shouldn't have to take this. He didn't want to talk. He didn't even want to see the damn blonde. He just wanted to go home and go to bed. He shouldn't need to do this. He shouldn't even have to talk to anyone about it.

But he had no escape. Despite Tsuki's kind and bumbling nature, the blonde was as stubborn as a mule and it was hard to get him to switch views on an opinion. Like when Roppi had told him he wouldn't be a good friend to hang around with. That he wasn't worth Tsukishima's time. He didn't deserve such kindness. But Tsuki had full-out disagreed with him and was still following him until this day.

Roppi had no doubt in his mind that Tsuki would spend all night here with him pinned down like this until Roppi talked with him about it. The incident.

Heaving a sigh, Roppi clearly sniffed his disdain at having been forced in such a situation and snarled out bitingly, "Fine. I promise I won't run… just let me go, you idiot." Venom laced his voice as he said the words, uncaring if he hurt the blonde. He normally had a filter with his words when he was around the blonde. If he ever said a insult, it was usually not serious and more airy if anything, just following along with Roppi's naturally prickly nature. But right now, he didn't care if his words stabbed gaping wounds into Tsuki. He wanted to be left alone, nothing more, and the blonde wasn't allowing him access to that freedom.

Tsuki did compliantly let Roppi loose and Roppi quickly stood up, hastily wiping off all the wet dirt and grime of the alleyway off of his jacket with disgust. Stuffing his hands into the raggedy pockets of his jacket, a habit he had picked up over the years, he lowered his head down a little and impatiently hissed, "Well… get on with it Tsuki. What do you want to say to me?"

Tsuki blinked slowly, swallowing out of nervousness. Roppi watched Tsuki's gaze flicker with emotions as he tried to decide where to start this conversation. Bitterness flashed through Roppi's form as he maliciously spat out, "Don't have this very well-thought out, do you Tsukishima?"

An unusually serious expression zapped through Tsuki's features as he boldly spat out, "You know this is about last night Roppi-san. You can't just expect me too forget about it like that? Or did you simply think something like that wouldn't affect me?"

Roppi blinked a little at that, his eyes narrowing more. What Tsuki had said had hit a nerve… but he wouldn't let it show. If the cruelness of humanity had done anything to Roppi that he considered beneficial, it was that it had sharpened his ability to mask his emotions when it came to trouble. Putting on a smirk, he chuckled and said, "Wow… you must be pissed Tsuki. You didn't stutter once in that whole entire sentence… how impressive."

Tsuki took a step forward, a little more hesitant this time as he said, "D-d-don't change the subject, R-Roppi-san."

"There is nothing to discuss in the first place."

"Yes there is, a… and y-you know it." Tsuki bit out, trying desperately to keep a bold face on. Roppi knew Tsuki personally hated his natural stutter. The blonde had confessed to him about it. He said it made him sound more uncertain and unconfident about the situation, even when he was serious.

Hachimenroppi had to agree, it certainly did raise his esteem in the fight, the shaky speech seeming much weaker than his stronger, sharper, colder tone. But despite how much swagger each member of the parties displayed, Tsuki's subject was making Roppi lose some confidence. The way Tsuki was being beating around the bush was pissing him off.

"What is their to discuss, Tsuki?" Roppi drawled out menacingly, meeting Tsukishima's scared, doe-like eyes, "I tried to kill myself last night and you caught me… what more is there to discuss? I'm still alive aren't I? All because you happened to be in the right place at the right time…"

Suddenly, Tsuki had charged and pinned hm against the brick wall, causing Roppi to jerk with surprise. It didn't hurt him (he didn't think Tsuki could purposely hurt anyone without feeling guilty and apologizing about it), but it certainly had caught him off-guard.

He flinched a little at the surprising amount of rage in Tsuki's eyes - he hadn't thought the blonde capable of producing such anger - and shouted in his face, the grip on Roppi's arms tightening a little as he screamed, "Yeah, Roppi! Do you even hear yourself?! You just tried to fucking kill yourself! In front of me no less! Do you know how much that affected me? Do you know how much it's still fucking affecting me?!"

Roppi bit his lip slightly at that to keep from saying something he would regret, his canine tooth digging particularly hard into the flesh of his lip. There it was. The reason they had been so icy to each other. Roppi hadn't meant for it to happen of course.

Tsuki had come over from Shinjuku for a visit… nothing more than an innocent little get together. What he gotten was a rather ugly sight. Roppi remembered that Tsuki had knocked on the door repeatedly for a while ("R-R-Roppi-san!). Roppi remembered hearing Tsuki's cries become more and more fearful as he continued to say his name. Roppi hadn't sated him with an answer though. He was too drugged up… too numb to want to do anything at that point. He had long since lost the feeling of his body the moment he had swallowed the handful of pills and then swallowed them down with about two bottles of strong vodka.

His head, even at that point, was spinning. His vision would blur, losing concentration before being snapped back in an instant, putting him in a momentary daze. He felt lethargic… his limbs feeling like lead… feeling heavier than normal. His head would involuntarily tilt back until his forehead would smack against the plaster wall he was lying on and it would snap him back to where he was before. He wouldn't really say he was tired… as much as lethargic. The numbness of his body made him feel like he wasn't there. Like he was already dead and floating.

The only sensation that reminded him he was here was the burning sensation in his nose and throat. It was jarring in comparison to the rest of his body, but oh well. One of the side effects of using to many pills you know? He didn't expect to escape in a completely painless way.

He had remembered thinking for a moment that he was a ghost before shaking his head. He knew he hadn't taken enough pills to finish him off instantly. He just needed the numbing feeling from them. Despite the fact that Roppi wanted to die, it didn't mean he wanted to die in such a slow and painful matter. He wanted to slip into death. Slowly, but painlessly. He would have control over how he died. No one else. That thought had pleased him, the fact he was taking his own life with his very own hand. Ending everything. But to do that, he would need more than the pills. More than just the numbing sensation.

He hadn't felt anything but the coolness of the knife when he had slit open his wrists. He hadn't done anything deep, in fact, he hadn't officially hit the wrist. More like, near it if anything. He had more or less just wanted to test the effects of the alcohol and pills. Too see if they work. He was satisfied at how well they did. Just one quick swipe near it and blood spilled down his arm. The red liquid dripped down onto the dirty, shag carpet of the floor, staining it a malevolent shade.

He had just been prepared to swipe at his other arm, this time hitting the wrist when Tsuki had scared him away. He had silently prayed that the blonde would assume he went grocery shopping or something or had to spend a late day at work. He wanted Tsuki to just leave. To leave him to do his final act. The act he'd been too afraid to do before. Roppi had found it bitterly amusing really.

The person who wanted to kill himself was afraid of death. How conveniently ironic.

But fate and Lady Luck had never really been on his side before and Tsuki had always had this annoying knack to be able to tell when something was wrong with him. How he had learned this ability, Roppi didn't know. He had always thought the blonde to be quite naïve, if you will, about some of these kinds of things. But nope, as always, the blonde had to surprise him. And even then, even with a door separating the both of them, the blonde had been able to sense something was horribly, horribly wrong.

Roppi cursed to himself as he heard a key turn the lock. He had forgotten that he'd given Tsuki a spare key to his apartment. The blonde had been so grateful (Hachimenroppi had just showed him a sign of pure trust right there) that he'd been willing to hug him over it. Roppi, of course, had been uncomfortable about it at the time, seeing as they were in public and he had to more or less pry himself out of the blonde's tight hug. Even despite the thump on the head he'd given Tsuki afterwards and the heavy blush that had swept across his features… he'd been appreciative of the hug. He had no other friends other than Tsuki and family members that could give less of a shit about him or his well-being… so any sign of affection given to him was a rare act of kindness in general.

But none of that mattered now. A hug wasn't going to save him from this. But Tsuki might, and in all honesty, Roppi didn't want to be saved. He just wanted to die.

He wanted to do something to divert Tsuki. Run and hide until he finally just collapsed and bled out… but he couldn't bring himself to get up. His body felt too heavy to move. He couldn't…

The door flung open and Roppi immediately heard Tsuki drop the key he had in his hand onto the linoleum floor of the kitchen. Roppi couldn't see the blonde, his eyes simply glued onto the wall adjacent to him, but he could hear and guess the blonde's reactions. Silence wafted in the air, thick and heavy… and he could tell Tsuki was probably standing in shocked silence.

He remembered Tsuki did get a little queasy when it came to the sight of blood…

Finally, Tsuki he heard Tsuki quietly hiss, "R…Roppi-san." He didn't offer a reply. He didn't even glance in his general direction. He couldn't bring himself too. He didn't want too.

Suddenly, he felt a pair of huge arms wrap around him. When did Tsuki get next to him? He hadn't even heard him step over there…

Maybe he was more drugged up than he originally thought. Despite how numb he was, he could feel the trembles wracking Tsuki's body. Roppi couldn't tell if he was crying or trying not too, but he offered no sympathy. He merely hissed, a certain melancholy note hitting his tone, "Just leave me to die alone, Tsuki. I don't want to continue on…"

Tsuki had stubbornly shook his head 'no', and brokenly said, "I - I - I c-can't R-Roppi-san…y-y-you can't leave me… y-you're my best friend…I don't want you to die! How could you do this to yourself… how could you do this to me?! Why do you think I want to live without you."

Tsuki was sobbing at this point, tears streaming through his bespectacled gaze. He suddenly felt a force pulling on his hand, and looked down to see Tsuki gently pulling the knife out of his hand. Roppi felt tears of his own prick his eyes, his teeth clenching. He didn't even know what for. Maybe it was the fact that he failed, maybe it was the sight of seeing his best friend sobbing over his form, maybe it was both, maybe it was just everything all piling up against him… whatever it was… they were both miserable. He had failed. He was a failure, even at offing himself off. How pathetic.

The rest of the night had been just an awkward night of uncomfortable silence. Tsuki had bandaged the cut he had engraved into his arm and had stayed, if Roppi could remember correctly, until he had fallen asleep. When Roppi had awoken, Tsuki was gone, but he had left a note saying to call him when he awoke to let him know he was safe. Roppi had done so… if only to give Tsuki peace of mind after all the distress he had decided to put his best friend through.

Roppi could be a bit prickly around the edges, but despite the common rumor (which he was ninety percent sure Izaya had spread) he was not heartless. Pessimistic, snappish, and cold… yes. But he did indeed have a heart around the wall of ice that was his body.

He was supposed to be the depressed one of the group. He was supposed to be the one who hated humanity. He was supposed to be the dark, brooding one. Tsuki was his opposite. He was probably the most bubbly, overly-optimistic person Roppi had ever witnessed (maybe excluding Psyche). He seemed down to talk to practically anyone he met. In a way, Tsuki reminded him of a dog. Friendly to everyone he met, easy to trust, just all around loyal. Roppi wished he could have the same sentiments to his own personality, but he was never one to lie about himself. He was just straight-forward, old miserable Hachimenroppi.

Nothing more.

When he had called Tsuki up, the blonde had asked him if he was doing alright, which Roppi had gone out of his way to make sure the answer was vague… and afterwards invited to meet him up for a walk at Ikebukuro. He had made it sound like they were just meeting up like usual. Nothing else. But Roppi had known it was going to be a lot more than that. He had wanted to believe otherwise, but he knew deep down and instinctually, it would be brought up again. He had even gotten desperate enough to literally run away from his problems, but in the end, he was here pinned to the wall with his best friend crying over him.

How beautiful.

Roppi wanted to say something back to Tsuki. What he wanted to say exactly escaped him. Did he want to say something comforting? Did he want to be scathing? Sarcastic? Maybe a concoction of all of those all on one, dry-humor-filled comment. But nothing came to mind. He was at a loss. His tongue and brain wouldn't work with him. All they came back to was blankness. And so a blank stare was all Tsuki got back in response.

Roppi suddenly watched as Tsukishima deflated right in front of him like a balloon losing air. The tenseness and anger that had fueled the blonde seemed to just dissipate right out of him, tiredness following its wake and causing the blonde's shoulders to sag. The grip on Roppi's wrist suddenly loosened and Roppi felt his body fall a little. The grip was strong enough to not make his feet fall on the ground, but it had certainly decreased from its earlier strength. Apparently that wasn't the reaction he'd been exactly looking for…

Roppi flinched a little as he felt Tsuki lean in and press his forehead against his chest, involuntarily slowing his breath a little, as if not to disturb the gentle move. He blinked as he heard Tsuki slowly ask, "Why did you do it? That's what I…I had wanted to ask last night… but I … I decided to r-respect your privacy… but you know what? I want… I want answers… I want to know what … what drove you to th- that point…"

Roppi gave a small, humorless smile. It held no happiness or amusement really, it was just an empty etching on his face. Roppi wasn't even sure why it had crawled on his face, but it had happened and he accompanied it with a just as humorless chuckle before answering, "This world is a cruel place, at least to me, Tsukishima. I don't know how things work in your pretty little world, but it never was exactly a bucket of sunshine for me. The human race is a bunch of cruel-hearted, mindless fools who find picking apart the weaknesses of others a fun little game. They willingly cause pain, misery, death, and wanton destruction under the jurisdiction of their own poor reasoning. They're continually driving themselves into their own destruction for reasons as petty as prejudice and greed. They pick apart their own members who they think are weaker than them. They have no mercy… no remorse. Survival of the fittest seems to play out even in our so called 'advanced' society."

Roppi went silent for a moment, as if to let his own words sink in. He tilted his head up a little to look at the starless night sky. There was nothing beautiful about it or even anything special about it. It was just inky blackness staining what had once been a bright and welcoming blue. But it gave a certain calmness to him, a certain confidence coming back into his voice as he said, " …And it seems I am one of those weaklings. The fact that I am a member of this society is sickening. Degrading even. I'm not going to denounce that I am none of those things that I had mentioned before… and that is what truly sickens me about this whole thing. But what I do know is that even with how wretched I am… I don't deserve anything these simpletons have unleashed upon me…the cruelness… but maybe my own arrogance is what makes me weak…I didn't want to live the way I have anymore Tsukishima…in fact, let me rephrase that… I don't want to live in that way. If the Afterlife does exist… maybe I could be granted the blessing to walk around in a haven… or maybe I should pay for all my sins by rotting in the pits of hell with the rest of the filthy lot. Either way, I will be gone… and maybe that is for the best."

Roppi didn't feel better after his little speech. If anything, Roppi felt embarrassed. He had never been one to talk about his problems. He hated when people vented their problems onto him (that was, the few people who weren't afraid to approach him anyway). He'd always lived under the firm belief that people should keep their problems all to themselves and fix it on their own. But the words had nonetheless spilled out of his tongue fluently… if only to sate his one and only friend's question. It was the least he could do for being a piss-poor friend, right?

Tsuki was silent the whole time. In fact, he hadn't even looked at Roppi the whole time he had made the speech. And it remained that way for a few tense minutes that seemed to last an eternity for both members of the party. Suddenly, the grip on Roppi's wrist loosened completely and Roppi dropped to the ground, managing to land neatly on his feet without tripping. Tsuki's head left his chest… but the blonde's head was still down, his golden locks covering the blonde's visible facial features.

Roppi noticed the way Tsuki's fist clenched though until his already pale knuckles turned almost a ghostly shade of white in the moonlight. Roppi took a step back a little bit, thinking for a moment that the blonde was going to snap and punch him right in the nose. Given Tsuki's unusually volatile behavior today, he wouldn't be surprised.

Suddenly, Tsuki's hoarse voice came through as he gave his own little humorless smile and said, "The funny thing was… I always saw you as the stronger friend, Roppi-san." Roppi hadn't expected him to say that. Tsuki raised a hand and slowly took off his glasses, which Roppi just realized must've misted in the cold during his little speech. Like he had predicted, Tsuki used the frayed edges of his scarf like he always did to wipe them off, as he continued on, "You are my role model … if that means anything to you anyway… you really are. You always have been. You're my best friend after all."

Roppi was taken aback by that, pink rings of what was a blush tinting his cheeks despite himself. He knew Tsukishima wasn't afraid to hand out compliments on a rather daily business - even to random strangers out on the street… but that still didn't mean Roppi was used to being given such affection. Quickly looking away, he hissed, "Tch, shut up, you idiot."

"No! I wont!" Tsuki snapped, "I'm telling the truth here to you, Roppi-san! If you left me… I don't know what I would do…" His voice was going shakier and weaker. Roppi soon had to strain to hear what he had to say, the emotion in Tsuki's voice making him feel terrible. He hadn't wanted his friend to be this miserable. He had known Tsuki would be sad when he died. He had known that. But he had expected the blonde to move on without him.

The blonde had plenty of friends in his arsenal. Tsugaru and Psyche especially seemed to take well to him, as, they always seemed to invite Tsuki to all the house parties and other regular visits. Roppi was allowed to come as well (Psyche really had no bounds when it came to his social life), but Roppi knew he was just the friend who decided to tag along. He wasn't the one Psyche or Tsugaru had invited. He was just permitted to come along. Tsuki was the one they wanted though. Tsuki was the one they wanted too see. Tsuki was the person in the group everyone around him wanted to see.

In a way, you could say Roppi was jealous of Tsuki's ability to make friends so easy. To be so nice and forgiving. Actually, jealousy didn't even cover it. The feeling he felt, was much stronger than jealousy. More ugly. What he felt was envy. Malign or benign envy, he couldn't quite discern, but Roppi had always envied how Tsuki got to make friends so easy, when Roppi had to struggle to even make a friend. And in the end, he only had one. But what was so special was a friend who was friends with everyone?

Roppi had remembered feeling increasingly paranoid that Tsuki had only followed him after he had helped the klutzy blonde find his way towards the bus station simply only because he felt sorry for Roppi. Or maybe even because he felt like he OWED Roppi for directing him towards the area. Over time, he had eventually accepted that Tsuki's friendliness was genuine and he had unconsciously accepted it.

But despite the fact that Roppi had accepted his friendship and had over time, accepted him as a best friend, he'd never known he had been Tsuki's best friend. The blonde's loyalties for anyone knew no bounds… so he had never known. But… he could tell from the way Tsuki had said the words, he was being genuine. They weren't soft-spoken, sympathetic lies… they were genuine.

Suddenly, Tsuki rushed over towards him. Roppi had tensed and raised a fist, afraid the blonde was going to hurt him, but suddenly, Tsuki's arms wrapped around him and pulled him to his chest. Roppi blinked in surprise. The 'what the hell are you doing' that had danced on the tip of his tongue suddenly died down, surprise overwhelming him. He felt his face press against Tsuki's shirt near his chest. He could hear his friend's heavy heartbeat faintly in the air, and it caused a sort of calming reaction to him and also a sense of vagueness to him. They both were alive right now. Breathing… living their useless pathetic lives until they were dead and forgotten with the sands of time. Roppi didn't hug back… but he didn't resist in the warm embrace either.

Tsuki really was crying now, the tears staining into the bare nape of Roppi's neck. Tsuki suddenly said, "I don't want you to leave me Roppi-san! I can't even bare the thought of living without you! Do you care about how I feel? How guilty do you think I will feel knowing I couldn't save my best friend from his own depression!? How guilty do you think I feel that I haven't been enough?"

"Don't blame yourself, Tsukishima," Roppi suddenly snapped, "You had nothing to do with this. This is all me, and only me. You had no part in this and nothing you could've done or said would've convinced me not to do so otherwise. I am the one who's been the terrible friend here. Not you. In fact, I daresay you're the best friend anyone could possibly ask for."

Bitterness laced Tsukishima's tone as he said, "Obviously not good enough if I hadn't even let you see what the bright sides of life have to offer…"

Hachimenroppi slowly sighed in that, relaxing even more into Tsuki's grip on him, "I don't think anyone can, Tsuki. You did your best and I appreciate you more than probably anyone in the world. Please…don't blame yourself…"

Suddenly, a watery, broken sob of a laugh escaped Roppi's mouth, his nose starting to become runny, a sensation he hated. His eyes burned with suppressed tears, his teeth clenching. It had been a while since he had last cried. He couldn't even remember what it had been about. Something frivolous he was sure. He remembered he used to cry a lot as a child… but over time… as he grew icier and icier… and colder… he had lost the ability. But now… now… his tears were coming back for a vengeful reunion. He hadn't expected this. He hadn't expected to feel all the emotions he was feeling right now. It shouldn't be this difficult… it really shouldn't be.

"Your important Roppi-san, whether you believe it or not. You are. Your important to me… you're the most important person in the world to me. Does that mean something to you? You can't leave me… you can't." Tsuki practically sobbed into the crook of his neck, making Roppi's guilt practically eat him alive. Tears leaked from his eyes, cascading down his cheeks in ugly, noticeable paths on his skin.

"Your … such an idiot," he managed out. The words were cracked and broken, but Roppi didn't care. Wrapping his own arms around Tsuki's wide waist, he returned the embrace and hoarsely choked out, "You can fix me… you can't save me."

"I can try though can't I?" Tsukishima said softly into his the crook of his neck, the soft feeling of his lips brushing against his skin causing Roppi to shiver, "Can I at least get a chance? I don't want to beat around the bush with you anymore. I want to be friends again. Will you allow me?"

Roppi blinked slowly, comprehending what was given to him. He knew that night was not going to go anywhere soon. It wasn't going to leave the both of them for the rest of their lives. But… they could learn from this. Things weren't going to fall perfectly in place. Both of them knew that. This wasn't a situation a bunch of promises and pretty words could fix… but over time… together, they could overcome this.

"Sure… you can try Tsukishima… good luck," Roppi said with a small smile, a genuine one this time. Tsuki only squeezed him tighter.

No, this hadn't been the perfect night. No, everything wasn't back to the way of where it used to be and the tainted memory of that night still fogged the air like a malevolent poison. But maybe…just maybe, they could overcome it together.

* * *

**A/N: This is probably the best thing I've ever written, even with its mistakes. Critique, as always, is wanted.**


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